i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
