That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
