I could make wine with my vomit
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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