just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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