He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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