Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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