So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
