I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i will never coherently bang her
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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