i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
