The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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