He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
