I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
