The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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