I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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