He told me they were just razor bumps!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
