Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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