Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
