dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
