Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
