i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
