FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
