I hope mine doesn't look like that
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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