She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
