The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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