she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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