You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I can text with my tongue
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
