WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
