Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
