I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
