I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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