If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
