I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
