If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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