I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
