We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
