Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day šš#pensacolaproblems
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Thereās an entire generation of people out there who didnāt grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
