i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
