I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
