i already hear my dad disowning me
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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