The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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