Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want to make out with him forever
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
