my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Small penises have feelings too.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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