You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
