Cold hands, warm shart.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
