Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
