i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
