You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
