I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
