I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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