I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
