i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
